A Space to Breath

so many decisions to make

so many paths i can take

but Lord only You know what I should do

its hard to not get persuaded

but I need to be patient and pray about what i need to do

instead of trying to screw my life up

²⁰ When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. ²¹ What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²² But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in^[a] Christ Jesus our Lord.

This what I learned about this morning at church. I know that I am called by God to live the life He has chosen for me. I am to live righteously and free from intentional sin. But I have not been living the way that I should. I have allowed myself to slip back into the things of this world. I’ve tried to take the time to read my Bible daily and tried praying daily, but because I enjoy the things of this world so much I wasn’t able to continue things.I know what the Bible says about homosexuality and sexual immortality period. I have falling in the path that was right for a so-called Christian. If I am to be a Christian I am supposed to live like one as well. I need to kill these sexual desires and be free from all the sin that is preventing me from being the person I was called to be. I know that it is a daily struggle but I know that its a struggle that I need to deal with. For God never said that this journey would be easy. Its time that I choose today and everyday to do my best to live accordingly to the Bible. I have lost focus of what’s right and what I believe in. I need to better myself. Before it’s too late.

Forgive me Lord of all that I have done that’s not of you. Forgive me for trying to do everything on my own. I heard you speak to me this morning and Lord I know that I need to give You my life completely. I love you Lord and thank you for continuously blessing me even when I don’t deserve it or even acknowledge Your great works. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

As much as I don’t want a relationship
The more I realize I do
I want someone to call mine
I want someone I can cuddle with
That someone that I would stay on my mind
That someone that would hold me
Never let me go
That someone that would know everything about me inside and out
That someone that won’t judge
That someone I could hold a deep conversation with
That someone that would love me forever
My heart longs for you, whoever you are
Tired of everyone else and their relationships
When is it my time
Tired of being lonely
Even a friend can’t take away my emptiness
Only you can, whoever you are

Fine don’t talk to me
I waited this whole time
Just to be ignored
Fine so be it.
In the end I can only depend on myself.

Is today the day my prayers will be answered??
Is today the day that I get the call saying I’m hired??
Is today the day I get my money from Kayla??
Is today the start of something beautiful??
I sure hope so because I feel it deep in my soul that something exciting is gonna happen.
Or maybe it could be God putting a happy mood all over me.
Regardless today’s the day for something great to transpire.
And I’m determined to make it that way.

Look me deep in my eyes
What do you see??
Do you see a smile blanketing that frown??
Do you see that tear stained face covered up with a comforter of makeup??
You can’t can you??
That that you’re looking at, yeah we call that a mask.
A mask that displays a lie.
You don’t care to see my tears, my fears, my pains, my frustrations.
You care to see that smile that lies.
Nothing more or less.
When you look deep into my eyes what do you see??

You say I’m mean.
Bitch I’m not mean.
You do stupid shit and speak your damn mind all the time.
But as soon as I do the same I’m a bitch.
Bitch you need to get on with that bull.
What makes things okay for you but not okay for me??
Is it because you THINK you’re better??
Because you THINK you are more respected??
Bitch I don’t care what you THINK this is but do me a favor and sit down.
You ain’t nobody.

Lets face it, single is what I’m gonna be no matter what. Honestly, I’m comfortable with knowing this. At least I don’t have to deal with the issues and petty fights that come with relationships. I’m free and able to do what I please without hearing bullshit from any man that THINKS he owns me. I am my own woman and I wouldn’t want it any other place.

Shit let things be what they gonna be. If I say tomato then damn let it be tomato. You always gotta have something to say. I say it’s red and you argue its brown and give reasons why. Shit shutup. I shouldn’t even talk since you have the whole world figured out.

I can honestly say I DON’T LOVE YOU. Being next to you in your bed does not turn me on. I actually wanna go home. The fun times we once had no longer exist. A wall between us prevents any fun. I don’t mean sexual fun. No this fun I’m talking about the kind where we stay on the phone countless hours talking about nothing and everything. When you actually want me around to just be by me. When we would go to the park and just sit and chill. When we would go on lunch dates even though you had a girl. You no longer turn me on. To me you’re just a friend. One that doesn’t have too much of an importance to me. A casual friend you are. We grew apart and in that time of growing we lost a lot of each other. We now only have the memories to hang on to. Because I no longer LOVE YOU.

i don’t know what i am to do with my summer.

either stay home and go to summer school and knock out a class,

or go to Forest Home and allow them to work me to the bone and only get paid 170$ a week.

i honestly don’t know.

i thought i knew, but clearly i don’t.

my only reasoning in returning would be for me to have some money to pay bills, and i would grow closer to God.

other than that i have no real reason why i need to go back.

just so i could be used and overworked.

no that’s not something that i really want to be a part of, and some even not most of the people there are people i really want to be around.

more and more i talk about this i feel less and less like going back.

irdk i’m just gonna have to put it in God’s hands and trust that He has it all under control…

i want you to call and tell me that you love me,

send a text saying you love me.

watching and hearing everyone else say ‘i love you’ to others rips my heart apart.

i want to be loved,

i want to feel loved.

so instead i tell myself i love me.

no need in waiting for someone else to say it.

it’ll never happen if i wait for someone else to do it.

can ANYBODY tell me that they love me, and genuinely mean it??

when i say it, i’m told i’m saying it too much,

but can you ever say it too much??

hm, idk…

maybe one day you will tell me, Mommie.